Welp. That sucked. Let's try again.

When we say that writing is a tough business, it always feels like there's a "but" buried in there.

Writing is a tough business, but you have to keep going.

Writing is a tough business, but you have to love what you do even when things are difficult.

Writing is a tough business, but the world deserves your story.

When we say this, we are reminding ourselves of something.

For a while, it felt like what I was reminding myself was that I have little control over what happens in the business side of things. And boy, did I have little control. Some might say zero control. For example:

In 2016, I got a six-figure book deal.

In 2020, the first book came out.

In 2020, some other things also happened.

You may remember. It was pandemic-shaped.

The thing about a pandemic-shaped event, is that a lot happens and very little happens at the same time. First and foremost, people died. A lot of people died. On top of that, the social structure within which we all knew how to operate went on pause, and everyone's job and social life suddenly had new rules. Many businesses suffered or outright failed.

The Writing Business, which we earlier described as tough, got very tough. Sales plummeted, creativity from absolutely every person I knew was in a slump. Yes, people learned how to bake bread for the first time, but the day-in and day-out of everyday life was just different.

My editor didn't like my pitch for the sequel of NAMELESS QUEEN. So when I was on vacation, I hand-wrote a list of new ideas in a journal. Yes, I was on a beach somewhere writing in a journal and trying desperately not to get sunburned. I'm fun at parties, I swear.*

*I am not, in fact, fun at parties. Unless the party is tabletop games or TV.

I had never pitched a book idea before writing it, and it was a fascinating experience. I was forced to contend with "high concept" and "marketability" and also "letting someone read an early draft of my book." But I did it. I wrote an entire book while also paying someone thousands of dollars to help me edit it. Why was I paying someone to help me edit a first draft when I was literally under contract with an editor? This is a fabulous question that is annoying and is also a story for another day.

The point is that I wrote the book. My editor, however, did not like the book. And/or maybe it was a money thing because the first book didn't earn well for various reasons, some of which may have been pandemic-shaped.

So, they did a thing I didn't know was possible. They terminated my publishing contract. That second book (the one that technically represented tens of thousands of dollars as part of my advance that was paid on signing the contract) was canceled. My agent did their Agent Job and managed it so I didn't owe them any money (yay) but the same could not be said for my foreign contracts (not yay). I pay back a foreign advance at today's exchange rate.

Woof. I was now without a book contract.

My agent took the book on submission other places, but no bites. Then, over the next year, I wrote Another Book. It was one of the Thought of It On a Beach ideas I pitched but that they didn't pick. I wrote the book and went through two rounds of revision with my agent, and I felt like I was getting closer to the magic of NAMELESS QUEEN. I knew there were some issues with it, but I couldn't quite articulate them or envision the solution. After sending the newest version, I got a response from my agent that I wasn't expecting.

My literary agent terminated our contract. The book needed editorial work that they weren't sure how to support, but they wished me the best and bid me farewell. Amicable, all things considered.

Writing is a tough business, but I thought it was supposed to be the business that was tough. Writing was supposed to be the easy part, right? That was the Art part. The passion. The lifeblood. The thing I did every day after my day job and on every weekend because I loved it. But getting released first from my publishing contract and then getting dropped by my agent... I started to feel like I just wasn't good enough.

So, I did something I never thought I'd do.

I took a break from writing.

Kind of. Every few weeks, I'd open the book that, in my heart, cost me my agent. I know it's more complicated than that, but knowing something doesn't make you feel it. I would open the book, work on it, then close it, frustrated with myself. Eventually, I realized I needed to step away for a while longer in order to gain back some objectivity.

Thankfully, I had my dayjob. My original job as a Technical Writer morphed into Software Engineer, and I took a three-month training course that taxed my time and brain in a way that never left me free to work on the whole Book Thing.

Writing wasn't just a tough business.

Writing itself was tough.

I wanted it to be easy. I wanted passion and love and hard work to triumph over how difficult things could feel. I wanted to be better at the thing I loved. Most of all, I wanted to recapture the love of writing outside the pressure of the business and industry that surrounded it.

It's now 2026. It's been over 6 years since NAMELESS QUEEN was published. It's been a couple years since I lost my agent. Once in a while, however, I meet someone on the internet or I get a lovely email through my website of someone who read NAMELESS QUEEN and has nice things to say. And that reminds me that it's easy to focus on the tough side of writing and forget that I love it and that other people love it, too.

Who cares if I never get published again? Who cares if my stories only bring joy to me and no one else? At least they bring me joy. I just have to dive into the work I love and remember why I love it.

A final chapter that bookends the first chapter? Love it.

A joke that finally pays off? Love it.

A thread that pulls together theme and plot? Yes, please.

A chapter ending that gives me chills when I reread it, even though I wrote the dang thing? YES.

Writing is tough. We do it because we love it, but that doesn't mean we never hate it. It's okay to have a hard time doing the thing you love, and it's okay to feel like you're not as good as you want to be or that you're struggling more than you think you should. It's even okay to take a break.

As I settled into my new day job, I found that I missed the book I had been writing. On top of that, I promised my dying Aunt in 2024 that I would write a book for her, and you can't just not do that. (However, no one will hold you to a very strict timeline either, so there's that.) Working on that reminded me about the joy of a new project. I then also reached out to some old writing friends and got a new Critique Partner for the book I was having trouble with. Not only do I have another set of eyes on the story to make the hard suggestions and catch things I miss, but I get to flex my Editor muscles to help someone else, which also helps me get better at editing as well. It reminded me the joy of collaboration in an industry often ruled by solitary work.

And get this, I'm feeling pretty good about the progress I've made on The Book That Cost Me My Agent. I can't say that the Business Side of writing casts much allure anymore, but I have started feeling the joy and love of writing that got me into this business in the first place. At long last, I'm almost ready to try getting published again.

Plus, I have at least two other book ideas, one of which is raucously, raunchily hilarious, is just enough outside my comfort zone to be a wonderful challenge, and has made four people laugh out loud at just the first page of the first draft of the first chapter. Plus, I have a book to write for my dead Aunt that will 100% make my family cry.

I never forgot what I loved about writing, but I certainly didn't feel it for a while. I'm writing once more, and it's not "for business reasons." It's for the love it. To make people laugh and cry. To stretch creative muscles and take on challenges, even if I fail them.

So, as a fan of bookends, let's close this out right.

Writing is tough, and you are allowed to take your time.

Writing is tough, and you have to recognize when things are difficult and give yourself grace.

Writing is tough , and the world deserves your story.